liveslaughsloves | [limelight

It's a giant kraken.

Okay, but is it sentient?

[ nods ]

Then the point stands. If it’s sentient it’s still a people.

Name's Pride. He's a tiny little octopus sometimes. And he's been in pretty much every vision I've had. Even the library one. I just wasn't sharing POV guy's feelings back then. Ridin' along, like you said.

...

It's not about figuring out where it came from. I think he raised those kids? Pride, and another one called Rapid. It's kind of how I feel about the cats, just... more. Much more. I can't exactly talk to them. But it makes sense.

I just... ugh. Promises don't mean shit on this boat, you know? But I thought: "if there's one thing I can promise forever, it's that I love Acidia. We can die a million times over, and I'll still love Acidia no matter what. This boat can't take that from me."

And then I got to be him.

I realized—it's not just trust. I already knew that was hard for me. But that guy? He loves those kids more than I've ever loved anything.

...

Does it scare you not to be able to love 'em as much as that guy loves his kids?

...

Yeah. It does. They deserve all the love in the world.

[whew lads the amount of emotional/existential crises he has been talking people through on this boat is a lot now that he thinks about it. he really wishes he had more than four months and three weeks of memories so he didn't feel like a full impostor giving this advice.]

Okay.

I'm gonna say somethin' controversial here. But hear me out for a sec without sassing.

[ him, sass?

nods again ]

Okay.

It don’t matter that they deserve all the love in the world.

[ opens his mouth. closes it. there's more, right ]

[yes he’s AU/amnesiac not an entirely different character]

You’re setting yourself up against some ideal in your head. You’re setting yourself up against basically anyone in the world who might be even a little bit better at feeling or talking about feelings than you.

That’s a mistake. You’re you. You’re the one who’s here for your folks, and you’re the one they know and turn to. And ‘less’ love ain’t ‘no’ love.

If you know what it is you’d want to give them in a perfect world, and you’re putting in the work, you’re doing something pretty right. Worst thing you can do is give up just because you ain’t perfect yourself.

[ quiet a long moment ]

Giving up's the last thing I want to do. I wouldn't do that just because I feel lost and afraid. That guy's better than me, but he's not real.

...so I guess what you're saying isn't that controversial.

Yeah, see? You’re already going where ya need to with it. You just need to be a little less in your own head in the wrong ways over the whole thing.

[ almost looks like he wants to say more, then just shakes his head ]

You're right. I... I think you're helping because you want to, and not because you feel like you have to, so thanks.

Most people who talk to you don’t have to do anything. Not even the ones you live with, funny enough.

Hmph. Life sure is a comedy sometimes.

Pipsqueak jokes aside, you’re way too young to be worrying about things always being like this for you. I know that’s like, hard to hear, though.

Edited 2024-11-25 18:54 (UTC)

...do you think I'm weird?

[a thoughtful noise. then, blunt but kind:]

I don’t know you that well. Acidia could probably answer better, or maybe Brocade. But I think you might think somewhere outside what people might consider the norm, yeah. If it’s noticeable enough to keep coming up as a point of comparison.

[ looks away ]

Brocade's the only one that doesn't make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Maybe Nettle. Maybe Aster.

I thought I was just a regular introvert. Or a regular loser. Nothing that crazy.

If it helps, most people are…complicated.

[he’s thinking about his brother. sometimes the nicest man he’s ever met. sometimes the meanest. sometimes the most competent, the most disastrous, the most worrying. he wonders what the hidden strata under their four-month-three-week relationship is like, much as he does at some point in every single day of his life]

It’s not like the way Aster thinks belongs in one single box, or that he might not be having some of the same thoughts as you sometimes, maybe just deeper down, maybe in places he doesn’t wanna talk about. Maybe the inverse is true for you. Same for Nettle. Same for Snow. Same for whoever. Even if they one hundred percent don’t act the same way you might up top, or logic it the same way out loud, darker thoughts and intrusive thoughts are a thing.

Everyone’s just…doing their best, you know?

Edited 2024-11-25 20:12 (UTC)

I know.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... it's not that hard for me to hear that I'm too young for this or that. You're not the first. You won't be the last.

It's just—novel. Adults on this boat are about 500000% more protective over kids than I'm used to.

I ain't trying to protect you. I can't protect you from the inside of your own head, my guy.

I'm just saying you have time.

I didn't—

[ shakes his head ]

I get it. Thanks.

[ genuine, without bitterness or heat ]

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